Food Play
by TheArchives
Summary: A series of humorous drabble omake concerning the suggestive uses of food. Complete and total crack. Pairings listed by chapter. Shonenai and het. [Complete]
1. Ramen Sasunaru

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Sasunaru... currently

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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Sasuke appraised his blond companion with an unusually thoughtful look, so much so that Naruto couldn't help but be just a little worried as to what the Uchiha was thinking.

The distinct sound of noodles slurping broke the awkward silence. Then…

"Naruto… why do you like Ramen so much?"

The ends of the steamed noodles flicked across Naruto's lips before they were drawn into his mouth with a soft sucking sound. The blond looked thoughtful. Again, an unusual expression. But then, it seemed to be the day for unusual expressions.

Then there was that… glint… in Naruto's eyes. Sasuke was mildly… frightened.

The glint spread…

Then he smirked…

"Do you really what to know?" Naruto asked, a distinct leer now etched across his face.

Cup of still steaming ramen in hand, Naruto pounced.

Sasuke was very very relived that they were in Naruto's apartment… alone.

Still… he didn't think he'd ever be able to say no to ramen again…

… Naruto had proved his point well…

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Owarimasu!


	2. Fundip Leesaku

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: LeeSaku

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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Sakura had been more than slightly surprised to find Lee in the middle of the forest, sitting atop what was left of a half destroyed stump with a brightly colored packet of some sort of candy in his hand and a white, flat stick-like… thing… sticking out of his mouth.

Where the hell had he found such a thing anyway?

"Ah, Sakura-san." The green clad boy jumped down from his perch to approach her, a slight blush on his cheeks and that bit of candy held in his hand. "What brings you out here?" he asked her. Sakura smiled at him in return, and then refocused her attention on what was clutched in his hand.

"Sakura-san?" Lee asked, apprehensive at her intent stare.

"What is that you're eating?" Sakura asked him, finally letting curiosity get the better of her. Lee blinked, his distinct eyebrows rising and falling a bit with the movement of his eyes as he looked down at the piece of sugar he held.

"Oh, this?" He blushed a bit. "My father used to sneak me a little something when mother wasn't watching. It's a bit nostalgic really…" He held up the white stick of sugar for Sakura to see and the pink haired girl leaned in a little farther to get a good look. The bold letters on the candy were slightly smudged where Lee had been sucking on it.

"Lick-a-stick?" Inside of her head, Inner Sakura broke down laughing in an instant, and Sakura herself couldn't help but smile a bit as well.

"Sakura-san?" Again, Lee was a little worried at Sakura's reaction.

"Don't you think that phrase is a little suggestive?" Sakura asked him bluntly. She promptly proceeded to blush at her frankness. Inner Sakura must have been slipping out again…

"Eh?" Lee's expression turned for worried to adorably confused. "Sakura-san?"

Sakura smiled at him, an eerie sort of spark in her eyes. Yes, Inner Sakura was defiantly edging her way into the open…

Lee backed away…

Sakura's smile widened into a playful grin.

"Perhaps I should demonstrate what I'm talking about…"

Yes… Inner Sakura was having one hell of a free-for-all.

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More to come.


	3. Clam Chowder Shikatemari

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Shikatemari

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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Temari had expected to find Shikamaru at home when she dropped by for her usual post-mission-completion pre-returning-home visit. What she did not expect was to find the man sitting near the kitchen stove, legs propped up on the table, a book in hand and a pot of… something… bubbling on the stove.

She smirked at the entertainingly domestic scene she was being presented with.

"Turning housewife on me?" she asked him, leaning her fan on the edge of the table and taking the chance to peak at the bubbling pot.

"Not my fault if I feel like eating something decent…" the lazy chuunin answered.

"I didn't know you could cook." Temari stated in response. Shikamaru smirked, finally looking up at her from his book.

"If there's one thing you learn from being Chouji's best friend, it's how to cook decently."

"Nice to see I finally have your attention," Temari grumped. "It's been awhile. And what exactly are you cooking anyway?"

"Clam Chowder. Troublesome, but not as troublesome as another meal…"

Temari raised an eyebrow.

"Clam Chowder?"

Shikamaru shrugged.

"It still needs to simmer for awhile."

An amused grin joined the raised eyebrow.

"Really."

Shikamaru's responding look was… intrigued… and assenting. Temari smirked.

"Then how about you give me a proper welcome."

Shikamaru's smirk echoed hers.

"Troublesome woman."

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That's it for now.


	4. Mandarin Oranges Kibahina

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Kibahina

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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When poking around the Hyuuga estate, it was not normal to find Hinata sitting on the porch, feet swinging and a bowl of some sort of fruit in her lap. It was even stranger to find her humming.

At first Kiba had thought that some prick had henged into the girl to trick him… but who else would be about the Hyuuga main house at this time of day? Other than him of course…

A short yip from Akamaru and Hinata looked up, her cheeks tinted a bright pink at being caught.

"Oi, Hinata! What are you doing?" Kiba grinned at the girl, noting internally how adorable she looked when she blushed. Sure, it was common, but he was sure she had just hit a new shade of mauve.

Yes, Kiba had taken to keeping a running tally of the various colors Hinata had managed to turn herself over the years.

"N-nothing, Kiba-kun," Hinata answered, still somewhat embarrassed. "Just sitting. It's warm out today."

"Un." Kiba moved towards the porch to join his teammate, Akamaru beating him there. The small dog poked its nose into the bowl in Hinata's lap.

"What are you eating?" Kiba asked curiously, drawn by Akamaru's curious stares.

"Oh… um…" Hinata smiled softly. "They're mandarin oranges," she explained, before holding up the bowl. "Would you like to try one?" she offered. Kiba grinned and nodded, attempting to fish one out of the bowl with his deft fingers. He stared at the orange fruit for a moment, then glanced at Hinata with a slightly confused expression.

"These look kinda like little worms," he laughed. Hinata chuckled a bit at that.

"Yes, they kind of do," she answered. Kiba popped the fruit into his mouth, a surprised sound echoing from his throat at the taste.

"Mmmn… these are good!" he exclaimed. Hinata blushed and nodded, holding out the bowl to offer more. Kiba selected another, while Hinata herself picked out a slightly smaller one. Akamaru's head shifted to stare at the two humans. The small dog, not quite sure why his companions were obsessing over these strange smelling orange worms, settled down on the grass off the end of the porch. The things weren't even meat for Hokage's sake!

The two humans paid the dog little mind as they continued to enjoy the small treats.

"Ah, you've got some juice on your lip." Kiba reached up to brush the sweet fruit juice from Hinata's lip. The girl promptly blushed about fifteen shades of red fading through pink to deep purple… there may even have been something close to blue. Kiba took a great delight in mentally recording the new shades for later entertainment.

"You know, you're cute when you blush," he told her.

Yep, there was defiantly a shade near blue in there.

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Okay, so that one was just kind of cute... ah well.


	5. Sprinkles Kakairu

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Kakairu

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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Iruka was making a cake. No one knew why, least of all himself. Perhaps he just thought it would pass the time, or he was interested in something sweet. Or perhaps he had remembered a special occasion or some other reason that most people would consider baking a cake for.

There was just one problem. Sprinkles.

Iruka had somehow managed to knock an entire container of multicolored sprinkles onto the floor while he had been attempting to mix the frosting.

And Kakashi was laughing at him. This defiantly made it a problem.

Now most people would find a broom or a vacuum cleaner or some other cleaning device and rid themselves of the troublesome bits of sugar once in for all.

Unfortunately for Iruka, he was too focused on the snickering Jounin to really consider mopping up the floor.

The brunette chunnin brushed the flour he knew had collected on his nose away, crossed his arms over his chest and _glared_.

"Sorry Iruka…" The damned man was still chuckling. "It's just…" More laughing. "Why multicolored sprinkles?"

Iruka felt his eye twitch.

"Ask the cupboard."

Kakashi broke down laughing once more. Not impressed, Iruka stalked over to the snickering man. Or tried too. Instead he found himself falling backwards. God damn those little bits of infuriatingly colorful sugar!

Instead of the hard ground, Iruka was a little surprised to find himself caught by a pair of warm arms. Not too surprised, but a little. The chunnin wouldn't have put it passed Kakashi to be too busy laughing to catch him.

Kakashi flicked Iruka's nose.

"Hey, there's still some time left before the cake's done right?"

Iruka glared. "Keep laughing and you'll be sleeping on the couch!"

Kakashi smirked in return. "Then how about I convince you otherwise…"

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And the beat goes on... :p


	6. Dango Anko

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Anko

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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A soft thunk.

Another wooden spike hit the post and Anko grinned in amusement. Smiling triumphantly to herself, she slid another dango off its stick with her teeth, thoroughly enjoying the taste.

Kurenai had once asked her why she liked dango so much.

Well, for one, they were delicious. Portable, warm, tasty and even useful at times. Those sharpened wooden picks could be downright deadly if used just right.

Anko smirked to herself, a truly satisfying memory popping into her head.

Sometimes they even invited some interesting attention. It was a pity that so few people noticed.

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smirk


	7. Espresso Kisaita

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Kisaita... yes, you read that right

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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If there was one thing Kisame could never get used to concerning his enigmatic partner, it was the man's daily morning routine. Every day, like clockwork, Itachi would wake up, rising from bed like a zombie, before stumbling into the kitchen, to the fire or whatever they were currently using as a cooking device and pulling out some sort of highly caffeinated beverage in order to wake himself up.

For an immensely powerful S-class criminal, this was not exactly encouraging.

Some days Itachi would fix himself a cup of coffee so strong it could burn the tongue off of any sane person who dared to touch it. Not that Kisame was sane… just… cautious.

Other days, like today, the two would find themselves seated in the corner of a small village coffee stand, Itachi nursing a cup of double shot espresso and Kisame keeping an eye out for any enemies that might potentially see this.

Kisame himself would have thought the situation hilarious, but having his partner half-conscious without a good jolt of caffeine would not be any help if they ran into trouble. Akatsuki cloaks only intimidated people to a point… and there always the stupid ones…

Kisame glanced at his half-asleep partner, mouth quirking in a strange grin.

"You have foam on your lip," the shark man noted. Never drink an espresso without the foam… deadly stuff.

Itachi answered the comment with his usual deadpan, somewhat bored stare… though the half-lidded eyes didn't exactly give the same effect…

The man's tongue wound out of his mouth, licking across his upper lip to wipe away the creamy foam. He was still staring at Kisame, and the shark couldn't help but notice a glint of… challenge in his partner's eyes.

He also found himself wondering just where else Itachi could put that tongue to use…

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evil, evil grin


	8. Dried Apricots Koteizu

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: KoteIzu (Kotetsu/Izumo)

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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When Izumo got home that night, he was mildly surprised to find Kotetsu sitting on the kitchen counter with a bowl of some sort of snack on his lap.

He released a long, forlorn sigh. The Godaime Hokage-sama had loaded the two of them with an abnormal (i.e. deadly) stack of paper work that day.

Now how exactly Kotetsu had managed to escape early and find himself a snack, Izumo didn't know. And he wanted to know… desperately.

Thinking about this was not helping the cramp in his hand any…

"Want some?" Izumo looked up, a little surprised at his companion's voice. The other man was holding the snack bowl out to him.

"Aren't these the things Shizune-san nearly killed you for sneaking into work?" he asked, amusement in his voice as he selected one of the dried fruits.

Kotetsu grinned back at him, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Never did figure out what she's got against dried apricots," he answered.

Izumo shrugged, popping the fruit into his mouth.

"Perhaps she found them distracting," he thought aloud. Kotetsu's grin grew wider.

"She thinks _that's_ distracting…"

A matching grin crossed Izumo's face.

"Wait 'til she catches us with a _real_ distraction…"

Two voices broke out laughing.

Poor Shizune hadn't seen anything yet…

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whistles innocently


	9. Creamed Corn AsuKure

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: AsuKure (Asuma/Kurenai)

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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"What the hell is that?"

Kurenai was staring at Asuma, a distinct tick in her eyelid and a look of confused aversion covering the rest of her face. The dark haired man only grinned back at her.

"Creamed corn," he answered, pouring the rest of the substance out of its can and resting the can opener back on the counter.

"Creamed corn." Kurenai sounded suspicious… very suspicious. She eyed the stuff with wary eyes. "Are you sure that's edible?"

"It's nutritious," Asuma answered her. If anything, he was highly amused by the woman's reaction to his lunch. He'd never gotten _that_ reaction for his odd tastes.

"It looks…" the woman winced. Asuma merely smirked and raised the small bowl to his mouth, using his chopsticks to shovel the stuff into his mouth. He licked his lips.

"Tastes fine," he told her with a grin. Kurenai was giving him a strange look… again. But this look wasn't quite so… disgusted. She moved closer.

"You have some on your chin," she told him, a small smile on her lips as she swept the creamy substance from Asuma's beard.

"Really?" Asuma asked, even more amused. Kurenai glanced at the bowl in his hand. Another tick appeared near her eye. She turned back to Asuma.

"How about I give you something better for lunch," she suggested.

Asuma grinned. He had never gotten _that _reaction before either.

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:p


	10. Tomato Sasunaru

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Sasunaru

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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Naruto watched his companion with a bored and yet slightly curious expression on his expressive face. The two were seated comfortably on the roof of Naruto's apartment, the afternoon sun beating comfortably down on their skin, warming them with its touch.

Uchiha Sasuke raised a thin eyebrow in the blonde's direction, curious as to the question he knew Naruto was about to ask.

"Hey Sasuke?" As suspected… "Why do you like tomatoes so much?"

Ok… maybe not so expected. Sasuke took a bite of the soft red fruit he held in his hand, thinking for a moment. A trickle of juice ran down his chin and Naruto couldn't help but give the Uchiha an amused grin.

He moved closer, and had it been a few months earlier, Sasuke might have been embarrassed by the blond as Naruto licked the juice away from his chin.

Naruto savored the taste himself, a pondering look in his eyes.

"Not sweet. Are you sure that's a fruit?" he asked. Sasuke nodded in answer.

"Perhaps that is why I like them," he thought aloud. Naruto leered at him.

"Is that the only reason?" he asked. The eyebrow rose once more.

A smirk.

"Maybe not?"

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Another Sasunaru for you. Yes, a few pairings will be done multiple times.


	11. Popcorn Kakairu

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Kakairu

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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Pop.

Iruka looked up, startled.

Pop.

There was a strange sound coming from the kitchen, where he knew Kakashi had run off too a few minutes ago.

Pop.

That sound was making Iruka a little worried.

Pop.

What the hell was Kakashi doing-

Pop.

destroying his kitchen?

Pop. Pop.

Finally the confused and somewhat annoyed chunnin abandoned the pile of still upgraded papers on his desk in favor of making sure Kakashi was not about to burn his house down.

A single curved eye beamed back at him as he stepped into the kitchen.

"Popcorn?" Kakashi offered. Iruka's eye twitched.

"KAKASHI!"

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Poor Iruka... I like making him tweak almost as much as I like making the Uchiha's tweak. :)


	12. Fortune Cookies Nejinaru

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Nejinaru

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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"You can't please everyone, please yourself first."

_Now that is a strange fortune_, Neji thought as he eyed the innocent little strip of paper in front of him suspiciously.

"Oi, Neji!" The brunette blinked up at his energetic blonde companion. Naruto grinned back at him, eyeing the fortune with curious delight. "What does yours say?" he asked excitedly. Neji smirked at him.

"Yours first," he murmured. Naruto grinned and read his aloud.

"Enthusiastic leadership gets you a promotion when you least expect it-"

Ah, not too bad. Perhaps Naruto would pass the chunnin exams soon then. Neji smiled at his friend's good fortune, and was about to answer when he heard Naruto continue.

"-in bed with a rope!"

Neji choked.

An apparently confused Naruto cocked his head in question. Neji knew better, he could see the mischievous glint in Naruto's eyes.

"So what did you get?" Naruto asked again, seemingly more subdued this time.

Neji looked down at his own fortune. He could just feel the blush creeping across his cheeks.

Damn that cheeky bastard. Damn him!

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I've actually gotten that first fortune before... had me rolling. :P


	13. Omelet Shikatemari

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Shikatemari

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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For the fifth time that day, Shikamaru remembered just why he preferred it when Temari came to visit him. It was far less trouble, required far less traveling, and there was no sand.

Damned sand… always getting everywhere.

"Hey Crybaby, get down here!"

"Yeah, yeah." And then there was that reason. Damned bossy woman. Shikamaru made his way down from the small guest room he was borrowing from Temari and into the pale blue kitchen.

Pale… like the sky here, completely devoid of clouds.

Damned village…

A plate was shoved in front of him and his pushy host flopped down in her own seat, eyeing him dangerously.

"What?"

"Eat."

Shikamaru poked at the omelet.

Alright… maybe visiting Sand wasn't quite so troublesome after all…

Right…

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:p


	14. Chinese Takeout Koteizu

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: KoteIzu

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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It was a late night.

A very late night.

Kotetsu would have said later than usual, but he was too busy cursing the inordinate about of mission requests that had come in that day.

Izumo was cursing the reports (particularly the obnoxious amount of unintelligible ones) that had been submitted at the _exact same time_!

A pair of stomachs growled. It was far past time to order food.

Glancing up at his partner, Izumo quickly created a bunshin to cover for him, then darted for the door. Hopefully Kotetsu would be able to distract Shizune long enough for him to bring back food. That damned woman was a slave driver!

And sadly, even the Hokage agreed with them…

It took about 10 minutes for Izumo to return. The take-out place the two frequented pretty much had their orders on speed-cook by now… Shizune was still conveniently distracted by the insane amount of work and hadn't yet noticed Izumo's bunshin.

So far so good, now the two just had to figure out how to eat their meal without getting caught.

Kotetsu's eyes met his, then darted across the room.

Ah yes. Closet.

Another bunshin no jutsu, and Kotetsu had joined Izumo in the confined space. Nothing better than Chinese take-out! The two hastily dug into their meals, then leaned back against the closet walls to enjoy their short reprieve.

"I do _not_ want to go back there." Kotetsu released a long suffering sigh. Izumo grinned at him.

"Well, I'm sure we could find a way to occupy ourselves a little longer," he answered.

Kotetsu's reply to that was an amused leer.

Outside of the closet, in the back of the office, Shizune rested her head against her desk for a moment before looking up again. There… another… thump… somewhere…

Something wasn't quite right here…

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Only one more to go! Hope you've all enjoyed!


	15. Bubblegum and Peanut Butter Kisaita

**Food Play**

By: Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Own Naruto? Heh... I wish...

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: KisaIta

Warnings: OOCness, no plot, random sillyness, drabbles and suggestive uses of food.

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Uchiha Itachi was pissed. Not just angry, pissed. Completely and totally livid. Not that you could tell just by looking at him. He appeared quite calm, staring intently at the end of his ponytail. Kisame knew differently.

It had all started out fairly innocent; they had made their way to their resting place for the night and found the hotel they were staying at with no problem. Then that kid had bumped into them in the hall.

If it had been any normal bump, the Uchiha would probably have only glared the poor kid into submission (and given him nightmares for a month)… the problem was, it had been no average accidental hit. Now the bumbling idiot was no more than a cold body and a splash of blood on the hallway's floor, and Itachi was still glaring down the ends of his hair as if trying to set them on fire by sight alone.

Unfortunately glaring was doing nothing to get the gum out of his hair.

Yes, gum. Bright pink cherry-flavored bubblegum. And it was in Itachi's hair.

Feeling fairly safe (as safe as one could feel around Uchiha Itachi), Kisame glanced over his partner's (rather low) shoulder.

"Well, at least it's near the ends. Shouldn't be too much trouble to cut off."

Or maybe not. Itachi returned the shark man's sentiments with a sharp look which clearly said no.

"I am not cutting my hair."

Kisame wasn't going to ask why the hell not… no matter how tempting. He did not currently have a death wish. The taller man sighed heavily, running a hand through his short spiky hair.

"I've heard peanut butter works…"

Cue the Uchiha 'are-you-insane' look. Kisame held up his hands in defense.

"Hey, might as well try. Even if it doesn't work, at least it won't stick!"

Kisame returned to the room twenty minutes later after terrorizing a poor store clerk to find Itachi in the same position he left the man in. No way in hell would the Uchiha be caught dead in a sidewalk convenience store.

He rolled his eyes.

"Here, let me help." Itachi gave his partner a wary, appraising look, but shrugged and allowed Kisame to do as he wished. If it got rid of the gum, then so be it.

The gum itself took about ten minutes to get rid of, but come out it did and without too much trouble much to Kisame's relief. He wasn't sure Itachi would have tolerated it much longer.

The shark man ran a hand through Itachi's still peanut butter streaked hair, enjoying its texture. Not terribly soft, not too stiff and just strong enough to get a good grip on.

Kisame had never really figured out why Itachi insisted on keeping it long, professional hazards and all. Perhaps he thought it added to the mysterious image, or the Uchiha was just too lazy to have it cut…

Kisame lifted a lock of the messy hair to his nose, sniffing it briefly. Peanut butter wasn't a terrible smell. It made him sort of hungry actually.

Itachi was now eyeing him with a slightly less homicidal and more amused look. The man really did have such a pretty face, especially when it was graced with that look… and pretty hair for that matter. Now that he thought about it, Kisame would have regretted having to cut it.

He wouldn't want to ruin such a wonderful grip…

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Yes, peanut butter actually does get gum out of hair.

Well, this is the end of Food Play. Hope you all had as much fun reading as I did writing.

Sneaky Cat


End file.
